Lately I have been really sad. I even cut myself once, when I was in a really dark place. I haven’t done it again but I’m scared that I will. I feel like my life is just boring — like it should be better, or more exciting. I think I may feel like this due to the amount of fictional stories I read, but I feel like I want more; I want to be different and special. I feel lonely, so I talk to myself. I talk to a whole imaginary world. I have a whole imaginary life where I’ve got a different name and everything. I don’t have a relationship with anybody, so that may have something to do with my imaginary lover, but I don’t know where this other person or world came from. I do feel lonely, which explains why I talk to myself as if it’s someone else. Even when I’m with someone who is real, I talk (in my head) to my imaginary world.
I also feel unwanted in my family. My parents split up when I was very young so I’ve never really seen them together; they have both moved on and have a healthy relationship with each other, even directly after the break up. When I’m with my dad it’s like I’m relaxed and bored, but hardly ever upset. He makes me happy and I feel as if I can act like myself. When I’m with my mum, she always wants me to be good and wear the clothes she likes and do the stuff she wants me to do. I love them both dearly, but when I’m around my mum, or have just seen her, that’s when I get sad. I wanted to try tarot cards once so I bought some. She hated that I’d try something so dark and unholy, although she isn’t Christian. I just don’t feel that happy when I’m with her.
Is it normal to have an imaginary life and lover? Is it normal to want to be special and have something nobody else does? Please, I need answers because I feel so lost!
Growing up is a very difficult time. Your body and your relationships are constantly changing, plus you’re trying to figure out the world and where you belong in it. All of this is very tough to manage and it creates stress. For people who are intellectually agile, it is tempting to handle that stress by escaping into your mind and imagination. Because your imagination has no limits, being in that place can make things more exciting and manageable.
Having a rich imaginary life is a normal and healthy thing. Imagination stimulates creativity, can be relaxing and may inspire us to do things we’d never thought to do. However, an active fantasy life becomes unhealthy when it takes over and/or interferes with your ‘real’ life. An imagination should be a useful tool for helping you make your life better. It should not be an escape. Consequently, if you find yourself becoming bored with the life that you have and retreating into your mind at inappropriate times (like when you’re with someone real), then it may be time to start setting some limits.
You mentioned several times that you are bored and sad. You also talked about cutting yourself. Many people try cutting because their pain is so overwhelming that it has made them numb and the only way they feel something is through physical pain. When someone is in such pain that she needs to cut in order to feel something, then it is time to seek some outside help. It could be that you are depressed. At the very least, it appears as though you are in a situation in which you feel helpless to change. Maybe you can approach your parents about counseling or ask what they think you can do to feel better.
Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents but this shouldn’t be a reason to keep you from seeking out their support. Just because your parents have healthy relationships with others doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. In fact, their willingness and ability to have a healthy relationship with each other after their break up speaks volumes about the value they place on your happiness and well-being. Thus, I’m guessing that they may not know how bad you’ve been feeling and, once they do, would be very willing to help. Your mother in particular may need to hear how you feel and what you would like to see be different when you’re with her.
Being a parent is very challenging and sometimes it is difficult to know when to let go and let your children make their own decisions. It sounds like your mother is trying to get you to do the things she likes to do instead of encouraging you to do the things that you like. As such, better communication may be effective in changing the situation. Once the situation starts becoming more satisfying, you may find that you don’t need your imaginary world as much and your wish to have something no one else does may fade.
Everyone wants to feel special. However, just like with imagination, that feeling becomes unhealthy when it takes over and makes regular life unsatisfying. It could be helpful to realize that we are indeed each special in our own ways and it may be time to explore and acknowledge what is special about you now. Think about the special skills, interests and attributes you already have and focus on those. Or figure out something special you would like to do (e.g., learn a musical instrument, take up a new sport, develop a unique hobby) and work on that. I suspect that if you broaden your horizons a bit, you’ll find that real life can be a lot more satisfying.